When I think about the remarkable power of resilience, two
people come to mind immediately: Congresswoman Gabrielle "Gabby" Giffords and
her husband, Commander Mark Kelly.
Giffords, as you may recall, was shot in the head by Jared Laughner in
2011. While doctors were cautiously optimistic about her recovery, Commander
Kelly had little doubt his Gabby would recover. He knew his wife embodied "The
Right Stuff," beginning with a firm attitude of optimism, and so he encouraged
her doctors to develop a resilience plan as part of her recovery.
A resilience plan
has been shown to reduce the frequency and intensity of post-traumatic stress
disorders and other health problems that occur after a personal disaster,
allowing those affected to recover more quickly and completely.
During the couple's interview with Diane Sawyer, we were
reminded how Gabby was once called, "the most positive person in Congress," quite
a feat considering the craziness that occurs daily on Capitol Hill. Knowing
that optimism was at the core of Gabby's being, and his belief that "Optimism
is a form of healing; hope is a form of love," Kelly posted a sign outside her
hospital room for visitors: No Crying.
Resilient optimism is not the rose-colored glasses view of
the world. Resilient optimism recognizes that bad things happen. Yet, rather
than wallowing in catastrophic thinking -- that tendency to assume the worst and
to perseverate about irrational worst-case outcomes -- resilient optimists
acknowledge and manage their strong feelings, looking for the valuable negative
information that edifies the foundation of the learning experience
Research on
resilience has also shown us that people who struggle with their emotions,
fear in particularly, may become more restrictive and rigid in their view of
the themselves and their place in the world. To help Gabby hold on to that
attitude of optimism and build her inner strength, the doctors advised that she
be kept unaware of the full extent of the tragedy that occurred that day -- the
lives lost, the people injured – until her road to recovery was more firmly
established.
Studies in resilience, too, have repeatedly underscored the
significance of social relationships, our connectedness to others. Visits from
family and friends offered Gabby encouragement and confidence.
Another example of the remarkable power of resilience is
Christopher Reeve. On May 27, 1995, actor Christopher Reeve was thrown
headfirst from his horse during a jumping competition, shattering the first two
vertebrae in his neck. Upon regaining consciousness and realizing he was
totally paralyzed, Reeve thought that the best thing to do would be "to slip away."
Unable to speak because he had no ability to exhale air, he
mouthed to his wife Dana, "Maybe we should let me go."
Dana responded, "I will support whatever you want to do,
because this is your life, and your decision. But I want you to know that I'll
be with you for the long haul, no matter what. You are still you. And I love
you." Her response is another
example of the resilient power of our connected to others. Reeve wrote, "She
made living seem possible, because I felt the depth of her love and
commitment."
While catastrophic thinking -- ruminating about irrational
worst-case outcomes -- is contrary to resilience, it is not uncommon for
survivors of catastrophic accidents to think obsessively about what happened.
Reeve said that for the first year he "wondered over and over about the
accident. The jump was a relatively easy one. Why did his horse balk at this
jump? Was it a freak accident? Did he move forward in the saddle before he
should have?" However, as his resilient spirit grew stronger, he realized that
endless speculation about what happened served no purpose other than to torment
him.
So what can we learn from these three resilient
spirits? I offer the following:
- Acknowledge that loss or illness is inevitable. By developing and nurturing a resilient spirit at the core of our being, little that can transpire that can affect us permanently.
- Know that connectedness to others is vital, and so we must cultivate relationships that create love and trust.
- Learn to communicate effectively your needs.
- Be flexible; accept that change is a part of living.
- Develop goals and realistic plans and take steps to carry them out.
- Live an authentic life. Believe in what you do and do it with joy, gratitude, and grace.
- Find the positive in experiences and avoid seeing crises as insurmountable problems.
- Be spiritually connected, whether through an organized religion or by adopting a philosophy of life.
