Are you feeling challenged by obstacles?

Are you feeling challenged by obstacles? Are you clear as to what that "thing" is that is preventing or hindering your progress?

I view any obstacle that gets in my way as an opportunity to learn something new. It's not always an easy lesson. And sometimes the learning of the lesson takes time, patience, and reflection.

Changing the way we think about obstacles effects our success rate for as the Zen Buddhists say, "The obstacle is the path." To begin, we have to identify the type and source of the obstacle. Ask yourself: Do you view the obstacle metaphorically as a pebble, a rock, or a boulder? Is it external or internal?

External obstacles are those things outside of your control, such as environment, money, physical limitations. Yet, because they are external does not mean you should give up. What is always in your control is how you choose to respond (cognitively) not react (emotionally) to the challenge.

Internal obstacles are things such as fear, self-doubt, and what I call your Habitudes -- Patterns of thought and behavior affecting our attitudes towards life; habitual ways of thinking and acting that may or may not serve you.

Our beliefs and thoughts about a situation affect our reaction to it. The way we think about things can actually give things more meaning than they actually deserve. By giving meaning to things, we give them power in our lives. That's why I asked you to think metaphorically about the obstacle. What is its size? How easily, based on that size - pebble, rock, boulder -- can you remove it from your pathway?

"Obstacles don't have to stop you," said Michael Jordan. "If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it."

If you have been thinking about working with a coach, the time is right.

 "Rita helped me identify areas of improvement and gave me guidance on how to develop resilience within my own life."

Strategic personal and/or professional development coaching is customized specifically to your most important goals, interests, challenges, and needs. 

The goal of private sessions is to offer insight and assistance that will guide you towards actionable, positive changes that will affect all areas of your life. 

Armed with this insight, you will develop a workable plan to manage the challenges that come your way.

I incorporate the Tony Robbins-Madanes Strategic Intervention (also known as SI) practices, which extracts the most practical and effective forms of strategic action and communication from a variety of disciplines.

Invest in Yourself Today! Contact me for an initial consultation. 774-230-5670 or e-mail rita@ritaschiano.com.

Sessions are held in-person in my Sturbridge office or via Zoom or FaceTime, based on your preference.

When it Comes to Resilience, Attitude Really is Everything.

When it comes to resilience, attitude really is everything. Having an optimistic view of yourself and confidence in your strengths and abilities creates conditions for success and healthier living.

To start, let me be clear. When I talk of optimism, I do not mean that rose-colored glasses, Pollyannaish-way of looking at the world. True optimists know bad things happen; they experience tragedy just like everyone else. But what separates optimists from their pessimistic brothers and sisters is how they move forward in their thinking and actions relative to those events.

Much of the way we view the world has been shaped by the messages we received as children. I was fortunate to grow up with women who were remarkable optimists. My mother and my maternal grandmother -- women who lived through great difficulties, such as the Great Depression, single-parenting, loss of children and spouses -- still managed to demonstrate the belief that things will always work out in the end. They taught me to live life with anticipation and a hopeful expectation towards a desired outcome predicated not on wishful thinking, but through dedication and commitment to the goal. 

I was well into my teenage years when I learned that not everyone grew up learning this positive outlook. A dear, childhood friend was taught differently. She received messages such as: 

• Feeling good about yourself? Be forewarned. There will always be someone who can't wait to knock you down. 
• Just because you did good today doesn't mean you will tomorrow.
• If you expect the worst, you'll never be disappointed.

According to Dr. Martin Seligman's theory of learned optimism, optimistic children grow up to be optimistic teenagers and adults. In his book, "Learned Optimism," Seligman states that there are three factors that determine a learned optimistic paradigm: 

1. Optimism is acquired from our mothers. How our mothers reacted to problems set the stage for our own reaction to difficult situations. If mom dealt with everyday problems with a bright and hopeful outlook, then we, as children, learned to do the same.

2. Optimism is influenced by the adults around us. The way adults (parents, teachers) chastise us can leave a lasting impression on how we perceive our own abilities. (Thank God for my mom and grandmother. I attended Catholic school in the 1960s ... enough said.)

3. Optimism is shaped by family turmoil. Family crises such as divorce or the untimely or tragic death of a family member can contribute to a child's general view of life later life. 

Optimism, according to philosopher and futurist visionary Dr. Max More is an "empowering, constructive attitude that creates conditions for success by focusing and acting on possibilities and opportunities." This is why optimists tend to recover faster from difficulties. When something bad happens to optimists, they view the circumstance as temporary rather than permanent; they see the situation as affecting a specific part of their life, rather than pervading all areas.

Now, some people prefer to label themselves as realists, explaining events just as they are. As writer Robert Brault so simply explained, "The realist sees reality as concrete. The optimist sees reality as clay." 

Do you view life with optimism -- Braultian realism -- or are your more in line with George Will, who said, "The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised" ? What's your worldview? I'd love to hear from you. ~ Rita

Friends, Among Our Greatest Gifts in Life

Friendship is an art, and very few persons are born with a natural gift for it.
~ Kathleen Norris

My grandmother used to tell me that if I had one true friend in life, that was the ultimate blessing. My life, then, is truly blessed for I have several wonderful friends.

Aristotle wrote there are three kinds of friendship....

1. Friendship based on utility. This type of friendship changes according to circumstances. With the disappearance of the "usefulness" of this friendship, the friendship breaks up.

2. Friendship based on pleasure. These friendship are regulated by feelings, and the chief interest is in momentary pleasure. As affection changes, so does the friendship.

3. Perfect friendship is based on goodness and mutual knowledge and respect. These friends spend time with each other, contribute to the other's happiness and vice versa. Friendship of this kind is permanent.

The Roman philosopher Cicero believed that in order to have a true friendship with someone one must have complete honesty, virtue, and trust...and friends do things for each other without expectation of repayment.

Ask yourself, who is that one friend in your life who meets Cicero's standards? How much love do you carry in your heart for that person?

Now ask yourself, when was the last time you spent quality time with this friend? When is the last time yo spoke, rather than texted, IM, or communicated through social media?

If the answer is less than 3 days, pick up the phone. Call your friend. Hear his or her voice...and make a solid date to see one another within the next 10 days.

"There was a definite process by which one made people into friends, and it involved talking to them and listening to them for hours at a time." ~ Rebecca West

Have a joyful day everyone. And remember to live a flourishing life.
Rita
www.ritaschiano.com

ShortThoughts© : You Determine The Outcome - Part 2

You Determine The Outcome of Your Life: Part 1

Musings from a Recovering Worrywart

Unless you knew me when I was very a young girl, you might be surprised to learn I was quite the worrier. My mother used to say, “You’re such a Worrywart, Rita.” And the tag fit. I was a worrywart. I did tend to dwell unduly on perceived difficulties in my life that developed a pattern (habitude) of troubled emotions and thought patterns.

Then one day I saw a book on my mother’s nightstand entitled Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz. The book was a gift to her from her sister Vera. My Aunt Vera was a beloved, albeit feisty, woman ahead of her times. She lived in Hollywood, CA and she was always sending Mom books, articles, and such on personal development. (To this day I carry in my handbag the miniature, red leather copy of As A Man Thinketh by James Allen that she gave my mom back in 1968.)  

I devoured Maltz’s book in a matter of days. It seemed that with the turn of each page my mind opened and expanded to a new way of thinking about myself and how I move through the world. By the time I was done, it was crystal clear to me that my thinking truly did affect the outcome of my life. 

Now I was about 13 years old when I read that transformative book. Being a voracious reader, I went to the library and began what became my lifelong journey to understand the cycle of how thoughts effect emotions and thus behavior. I gobbled up the writings of untold thinkers, beginning with the Ancient Greek philosophers up to modern-day thought leaders, all of whom had (and have) a very similar message: You are what you think about all day long. 

My being a worrywart hasn’t truly dissipated. It is a pattern (neuro-circuitry) of thinking and reacting (habitude) that formed when I was quite young. When times get tough, when something is troubling me, I can feel that old worrywart downward spiral begin. However, what I now do is I recognize the habitude sooner and I put into motion the various strategies I’ve developed for myself to slow down the activity in my mind. 

As I said, these habitudes took root and deepened and strengthened at an early. Those of you who have heard me speak, have come to one of my workshops, have heard me share my story of some of the events in my life that shaped my initial belief system. 

Worrywarts habitually travel down a dark, long, narrow road replete with obstacles such as fear, all-or-nothing thinking, and other cognitive distortions. Yet, what I know is this. We can change our lives by changing our thinking. We can change our outcomes by exploring those habitudes that don't serve us and by be willing to do the work to strengthen the habitudes that do serve us and create more positive thought patterns. 

We can travel a different road, enlightened by understanding and widened by a willingness and desire to explore the realm of possibilities. You can change your thinking, change your patterns, and change your life. I know this because I did.
~ Rita

PS Want to learn more about changing your Habitudes? Check out my Live Online Talks! 

Are.You Feeling Challenged By Obstacles?

Are you feeling challenged by obstacles? Are you clear as to what that "thing" is that is preventing or hindering your progress?

I view any obstacle that gets in my way as an opportunity to learn something new. It's not always an easy lesson. And sometimes the learning of the lesson takes time, patience, and reflection.

Changing the way we think about obstacles effects our success rate for as the Zen Buddhists say, "The obstacle is the path." To begin, we have to identify the type and source of the obstacle. Ask yourself: Do you view the obstacle metaphorically as a pebble, a rock, or a boulder? Is it external or internal?

External obstacles are those things outside of your control, such as environment, money, physical limitations. Yet, because they are external does not mean you should give up. What is always in your control is how you choose to respond (cognitively) not react (emotionally) to the challenge.

Internal obstacles are things such as fear, self-doubt, and what I call your Habitudes -- Patterns of thought and behavior affecting our attitudes towards life; habitual ways of thinking and acting that may or may not serve you.

Our beliefs and thoughts about a situation affect our reaction to it. The way we think about things can actually give things more meaning than they actually deserve. By giving meaning to things, we give them power in our lives. That's why I asked you to think metaphorically about the obstacle. What is its size? How easily, based on that size - pebble, rock, boulder -- can you remove it from your pathway?

"Obstacles don't have to stop you," said Michael Jordan. "If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it."

Serenity Now!

 Most people upon hearing the words "serenity now!" recall the famous Seinfeld episode where Frank Costanza is advised to say "serenity now" aloud every time his blood pressure is in danger of going up. The episode's plot was inspired by real-life events of writer Steve Koren who, while driving with his arguing parents, was bewildered to hear his father shout "Serenity now" at the top of his lungs as part of a rage controlling exercise. 

"Calmness of mind" James Allen wrote, "is one of the beautiful jewels of wisdom. It is the result of long and patient effort in self-control." Like Frank Costanza screaming "serenity now," a churning mind eventually may lead one to blow.  

Often we become anxious about things we cannot change: the economy, the weather, our commute to work. Recognizing the difference between what we can and cannot change can help us live more peaceful and productive lives. Patience and perseverance leads to success in our endeavors.

The Serenity Prayer has special meaning to those who are often looking for peace during times of turmoil, despair, or uncertainty in their lives. Closely associated with Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12-step programs, the Serenity Prayer offers strength and calm into those seeking a more stable life. Written by theologian Reinhold Niebuhr, most people are familiar with this first stanza: 

God grant me the serenity 

to accept the things I cannot change; 
the courage to change the things I can; 

and the wisdom to know the difference.

However, Niebuhr's prayer also included these concepts:

• Living one day at a time
• Enjoying one moment at a time
• Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace

Managing stress is a pathway to having serenity now. Meditation and mindful prayer help the mind and the body to relax and focus. As psychologist Ron Breazeale wrote in an article for Psychology Today entitled "WaysTo Manage Chronic Stress, "these techniques can give you "insight into new perspectives, to develop self-compassion and forgiveness and to begin to rethink the priorities in your life."

Here are a few ABCs to bring serenity into your life now:

Ask:  . . . yourself this question -- What is it about this situation that I can manage?

Breathe: Stop and take 10 mindful breaths. Nothing special is required to do so, just focus. Be aware of your breath coming in and then going out.

Connect:  . . . with a friend. Don’t e-mail or text. Pick up the phone and hear his or her voice. Better yet, plan some face time together. (That's Face time as in getting together, not Facebook time!) 

Do: … absolutely nothing! Spend time with yourself, your thoughts, your dreams.

Exercise: Go for a walk, a bike ride, kayak down a peaceful.

Forgive: . . . yourself first, then others.

Resilient People

 Resilient people have a penchant for learning. They have the ability to reflect upon and recognize objectively their strengths and weaknesses. This self-reflection helps them gain insight into their current circumstances, opening them to new ideas and new tactics for dealing with crises. 

Resilient people have the ability to look at critical situations in a new way, finding creative approaches towards solving a problem. They recognize that life is a series of good times and not so good times, and that you need the bad to appreciate the good. Hard times build character, creating positive lessons that better equip us to cope in the future.

How resilient are you? Visit my web site and download my free "Self-evaluation Resilience Test.

Have a joyful day everyone. And remember to live a flourishing life.
Rita
www.ritaschiano.com

Follow Live A Flourishing Life on Facebook!

To learn more about how you can live a flourishing life, please visit my web site, www.liveaflourishinglife.com. 

*Excerpt from Live A Flourishing Life

Thoughts and Beliefs

 

Words to Ponder

"A man is as miserable as he thinks he is." ~ Seneca

Thoughts and Beliefs

Our thoughts and beliefs may be negative, positive or neutral. They may be rational, that is based on reason or facts, or irrational, based on false ideas. Our thoughts and beliefs are often driven by self-talk: what we tell ourselves and our interpretation of that a situation means. We must be aware of this inner messaging for people can live their whole lives feeling controlled by a critical inner voice without examining the sources of that voice. And those sources may be driven by those irrational, false ideas.

Our self-worth is vital to our happiness. If you don't feel good about yourself, it's hard, as Sandy hale wrote, "to feel good about anything else." Happiness is as much about what you don't want as what you do want. You have much more power over your happiness level than you probably realize. When you make positive changes in yourself and your environment, you raise your disposition toward happiness. So make it a habit to focus on happiness here and now.

Time Management

Time management is a big concern. Our work life and home life is filled with more and more duties and obligations and less and less time to get it all done. And while we've all heard that old saying, "Time flies when you are having fun," truth be told, time flies even when you're not having fun.

An effective time management strategy can help you stay on task, accomplish your work, reduce stress, and gain more time for yourself.

In this 60-minute LIVE program you will learn practical strategies, tools, and techniques you can put into action immediately!

Topics covered include:

• Multi-tasking . . . It's a Myth
• Meet Your Time Bandits
• Obstacles to Effective Time Management
• Managing Interruptions
• Procrastination
• Setting Goals, Establishing Priorities, and Planning
• Tools You Can Use
  • The Time Journal
  • Kaizen
  • Worksheet
  • Creating the "To Do" List
• Scheduling
• Finding Your Timing
• Effective Use of Time: Leaders
  • Meetings
  • Decision-making
  • Delegation

Investment: $47.00

• Monday, 1/9/23: 3:00 p.m.
• Monday, 1/16/23: 9:30 a.m.
• Saturday, 1/21/23: 11:00 a.m.

Don't miss out! Register for Time Management today!

The Healing Power of Forgiveness

When I was young, I was fond of saying, "If someone hurts me, I can forgive, but I'll never forget. "And I'd speak those words with a certain air of hubris, and an implied forewarning: "Don't mess with me. Revenge is a dish best served cold."

When I was young, I had no idea what forgiveness was truly about. Truth be told, I didn't have any real clue about true forgiveness until I was in my early 50s, when I began writing the story about my father.

Until that time, I didn't understand that my issues around trust, and intimacy, and honesty had little to do with the actions of the people in my life, and everything to do with my thoughts, beliefs and judgments about them, about myself, and about me in relation to them.

In the forgiveness work I have done, which began when writing the story about my father, to the practice of forgiveness I continue to do, what I have learned, what I know, is that forgiveness has brought me inner peace, has given me a broader perspective on life, and has made me a person capable of giving and receiving genuine love.

Forgiveness is a gift that we give to ourselves. And now, in this 90-minute LIVE! online program, I will share all that I've learned with you, and offer strategies that will guide to you towards the healing power of forgiveness.

Investment: $59.95

• Thurday, 1/19/23: 10:00 a.m.
• Monday, 1/30/23: 7:00 p.m.
• Wednesday, 2/1/23: 9:00 a.m.
• Saturday, 2/18/23: 11:00 a.m.

Don't miss out! Register for The Healing Power of Forgiveness today!

Strategic Life Coaching / Mentoring

"Rita helped me identify areas of improvement and gave me guidance on how to develop resilience within my own life."

Personal strategic life coaching / mentoring is customized specifically to your most important goals, interests, challenges, and needs. The goal of private sessions is to offer insight and assistance that will guide you towards actionable, positive changes that will affect all areas of your life. Throughout the process we explore the long-standing attitudes and habits that have influenced your life. Armed with this insight, you will develop a workable plan to manage the challenges that come your way.

I incorporate the Robbins-Madanes Strategic Intervention (also known as SI) practices, which extracts the most practical and effective forms of strategic action and communication from a variety of disciplines: Ericksonian therapy, strategic family therapy, Human Needs Psychology, organizational psychology, neurolinguistics, psychology of influence, strategic studies, traditions of diplomacy and negotiation.

Invest in Yourself Today! Contact me for an initial consultation. 774-230-5670 or e-mail rita@ritaschiano.com. Sessions held in person (Sturbridge, MA), or by phone or via Zoom.

Have a blessed and joy-filled day, everyone! . . . Rita

Starting the New Year

 Words to Ponder

"Excellence is an art won by training and habituation." ~ Aristotle

Strive For Excellence

Are you a perfectionist? Do you set excessively high performance standards for yourself?

Striving to be the best you can be is a noble goal. Yet, when the pursuit of perfection is accompanied by overly critical self-evaluation, the road can become a slippery slope ending in self-doubt, and even depression.

Think, instead, about shifting your perspective from perfectionism to one of excellence. Excellence is that attainable bar that resides just below perfection. A determined commitment to excellence will enable you to attain the success you desire.

"Excellence," wrote Colin Powell, "is not an exception, it is a prevailing attitude," and one, I would add, that is founded in discipline, dedication, and drive.

So, don't get stuck in the muck and mire of perfectionism. Raise yourself up. In all your actions, in all your endeavors, strive for excellence.

Time Management

Time management is a big concern. Our work life and home life is filled with more and more duties and obligations and less and less time to get it all done. And while we've all heard that old saying, "Time flies when you are having fun," truth be told, time flies even when you're not having fun.

An effective time management strategy can help you stay on task, accomplish your work, reduce stress, and gain more time for yourself.

In this 60-minute LIVE program you will learn practical strategies, tools, and techniques you can put into action immediately!

Topics covered include:

• Multi-tasking . . . It's a Myth
• Meet Your Time Bandits
• Obstacles to Effective Time Management
• Managing Interruptions
• Procrastination
• Setting Goals, Establishing Priorities, and Planning
• Tools You Can Use
  • The Time Journal
  • Kaizen
  • Worksheet
  • Creating the "To Do" List
• Scheduling
• Finding Your Timing
• Effective Use of Time: Leaders
  • Meetings
  • Decision-making
  • Delegation

Investment: $47.00

• Monday, 1/9/23: 3:00 p.m.
• Monday, 1/16/23: 9:30 a.m.
• Saturday, 1/21/23: 11:00 a.m.

Don't miss out! Register for Time Management today!

The Healing Power of Forgiveness

When I was young, I was fond of saying, "If someone hurts me, I can forgive, but I'll never forget. "And I'd speak those words with a certain air of hubris, and an implied forewarning: "Don't mess with me. Revenge is a dish best served cold."

When I was young, I had no idea what forgiveness was truly about. Truth be told, I didn't have any real clue about true forgiveness until I was in my early 50s, when I began writing the story about my father.

Until that time, I didn't understand that my issues around trust, and intimacy, and honesty had little to do with the actions of the people in my life, and everything to do with my thoughts, beliefs and judgments about them, about myself, and about me in relation to them.

In the forgiveness work I have done, which began when writing the story about my father, to the practice of forgiveness I continue to do, what I have learned, what I know, is that forgiveness has brought me inner peace, has given me a broader perspective on life, and has made me a person capable of giving and receiving genuine love.

Forgiveness is a gift that we give to ourselves. And now, in this 90-minute LIVE! online program, I will share all that I've learned with you, and offer strategies that will guide to you towards the healing power of forgiveness.

Investment: $59.95

• Thurday, 1/19/23: 10:00 a.m.
• Monday, 1/30/23: 7:00 p.m.
• Wednesday, 2/1/23: 9:00 a.m.
• Saturday, 2/18/23: 11:00 a.m.

Don't miss out! Register for The Healing Power of Forgiveness today!

Strategic Life Coaching / Mentoring

"Rita helped me identify areas of improvement and gave me guidance on how to develop resilience within my own life."

Personal strategic life coaching / mentoring is customized specifically to your most important goals, interests, challenges, and needs. The goal of private sessions is to offer insight and assistance that will guide you towards actionable, positive changes that will affect all areas of your life. Throughout the process we explore the long-standing attitudes and habits that have influenced your life. Armed with this insight, you will develop a workable plan to manage the challenges that come your way.

I incorporate the Robbins-Madanes Strategic Intervention (also known as SI) practices, which extracts the most practical and effective forms of strategic action and communication from a variety of disciplines: Ericksonian therapy, strategic family therapy, Human Needs Psychology, organizational psychology, neurolinguistics, psychology of influence, strategic studies, traditions of diplomacy and negotiation.

Invest in Yourself Today! Contact me for an initial consultation. 774-230-5670 or e-mail rita@ritaschiano.com. Sessions held in person (Sturbridge, MA), or by phone or via Zoom.

Have a joy-filled day, everyone! . . . Rita

Managing Strong Feelings

 

The humanitarian crisis in Ukraine has many of us feeling helpless. Sure, we can open our wallets and send money or buy much needed supplies to be sent to aid the refugees. Yet, beyond those actions, what more can we do? As gas, oil, and other prices surge, this adds another layer of stress over things we cannot control. The frustration or anger that can well inside us from situations that are out of our control chips away at our peace of mind and releases stress hormones which, left unattended, can lead to health-related problems.

However, there are things we can do to manage the emotional toll. The capacity to manage strong feeling, emotions, and impulses involves being able to:

• take action without being impulsive and responding out of emotion
• put emotions to the side when clear thinking and action are required
• use thinking as a way of managing one’s emotions

When we allow ourselves to get worked up, we are needlessly causing our bodies to go into fight-or-flight mode. That's why perspective is so important. I remember my mother, who was a young woman during the World War II era, talking about the rationing of bread, flour, sugar, and other staples. I, myself, remember gas rationing back in the the 1970s. And while we are not there (and hopefully will not get there) think of all you do have.

The people in Ukraine are losing there homes, businesses, schools, towns. On February 23, sixteen days ago from the writing of this post, people in Ukraine were living life as we live it today..... planning weddings, graduations, awaiting the birth of a child.....all the thing that are part of the normality of everyday life. And then it all was shattered. In two weeks time, nearly two-million people fled from their lives as they knew it on February 23.

Take a few minutes to think about that. Imagine yourself waking up on February 24 and having to flee your home, your town, your life as you knew it, with little more than the clothes on your back. Think about this when the urge to complain about the price of gas as you fill up your car....the car that will then take you to the store, to your workplace, to the comfort of your home.

Perspective. Perspective can and will make the difference in how your manage your emotions and your stress.

Be A Creative Thinker

 Why is it . . .

•     Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?
• man evolved from monkeys, yet we still have monkeys?
• necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
  

"Good learning starts with questions, not answers," wrote Guy Claxton. And, I will add, sometimes it is the most outrageous questions that can jump start our thinking, get us looking at a problem in a new way.

Creative thinking calls into question the assumptions underlying our usual ways of thinking and acting.

Creative thinkers consider rejecting standardized formats for problem solving. They have an interest in a wide range of related and divergent fields. Creative thinkers take multiple perspectives on a problem and will use trial-and-error methods in their experimentation. When we step into new territories, tentativeness is normal.

Be a creative thinker. Pose new questions to yourself everyday, even outlandish ones like those above. Have a future orientation; have self-confidence and trust in your own judgment. Deepen your self-knowledge by exploring your inner strengths, your weaknesses, your skills, biases, expectations, and fears.

Examine the patterns, the habitudes that are holding you back, keeping you stuck in the 'same old, same old.' As Stephen Covey said, "Live out of your imagination, not your history."

My Mom, and a Life She Touched

 "Carve your name on hearts, not tombstones.
A legacy is etched into the minds of others and the stories they share about you."
~ Shannon L. Alder

A few years ago, I received the following e-mail via my website:

Dear Ms. Schiano:
I am writing you with the hopes that you are Rita Schiano, the daughter of my beloved piano teacher, mentor, and second mother Jane Marie Notarthomas Schiano of Syracuse, NY. I was on Route 20, heading to the Brimfield Fair when I saw your name on a sign. If it is indeed you, I would love to say hello. I moved to Boston 27 years ago and am a church organist, thanks to the inspiration and teaching of Jane.
                                        Sincerely, Bobby DeRegis

It took a few months to coordinate our schedules (and I must be honest and admit I let this fall through the cracks of time at one point). However, we found a few dates and decided that Westborough would be the logical, halfway meeting point.

Bobby suggested Friday, January 18, as he had an appointment in Westborough that day. Unfortunately, I had another commitment that afternoon.

I responded, "Perhaps the following Friday, 1/25 or 2/1? Actually, February 1 is the anniversary of my mom’s passing," I wrote. "Perhaps that might be a nice remembrance.”

Bobby responded, "I think February 1st might be a sign from above. Let's do it."

The last time I saw Bobby was in 1986, at my mom's funeral. He was seventeen years old. Now a man of fifty, I was so heartened by the extraordinary detail with which he remembered her.

"She saved me in so many ways. Helped me through difficult times and losses," he told me. "She gave me a love for music. And she had such deep faith."

Over the next few hours as we talked of her passionate, loving and giving soul, Bobby would pause often to wipe a few tears from his cheek.

In my office at home I have a framed newspaper article written about her many years ago. The columnist described Mom as a ". . . big, warm-hearted woman whose delicious sense of humor dances in her dark eyes. She is also a woman of deep religious faith revealed through her music."

In addition to teaching private piano and voice lessons, Mom was the organist and choir director at St. John the Baptist Church in Syracuse, NY. Although a Catholic, mom shared her rich, dramatic contralto voice in the quartet at the Temple Society of Concord worship services every Friday night.
And she was extremely proud of her special choral group, the Out of Sight Singers. "They may lack eyesight, but not voices, and I love every minute I work with them," she said.

Bobby is not the only person to reach out to me about my mom over the years. Numerous people have contacted me via Facebook and shared their memories of her. And like Bobby, many have gone on to study music in college and work as professional musicians and music teachers. And each and every one makes it a point to say, "I loved her."

I loved her, too. I was blessed to have her as my mom and mentor in life. The greatest lesson I learned from my mom is to be mindful of how my words and deeds affect the people I interact with each day. Be it a friend, colleague, cashier, attendant, someone I pass by in a store or on the street.

"See them," she’d say. "Look beyond appearances. Be grateful for the smallest act. And always show the world your true self."

Words to live by, indeed.

Ambition, Achievement, Fulfillment

 A colleague once said to me, “I admire how ambitious you are.” Her words stopped me.

“Ambitious? You see me as ambitious?” I was puzzled. I never thought of myself in that way, so I had to ponder what she meant by that.

I turned to my internal dictionary and thesaurus — the one my grandmother had drilled into me as a child by insisting that I learn the list of spelling bee words she tore out of the Sunday paper each week.

Ambitious: a go-getter, power-hungry, zealous. That’s not me. Determined. Hmm. Determined. Now that is me. I am determined, purposeful, motivated, and an enthusiastic learner. I am an achiever.

This got me thinking about what is achievement? Achievement is the experience of accomplishment, of attaining the goals you set for yourself. While ambition is the chief driver of achievement, it seems to me they are variables in the equation that equals fulfillment.

Fulfillment is the achievement of something desired, promised, or predicted; it is the feeling of satisfaction or happiness as a result of fully developing one's abilities or character. You may have all the success and money in the world, yet be internally bankrupt and feel that life has no meaning.

Fulfillment is accomplished by two things: continuous growth and continuous contribution beyond oneself. It comes from living a life of meaning, of significance. Achievement, however, is pleasure; achievement is of and in the moment.  

In my studies in strategic intervention, I learned that the strongest drive in human beings is the “drive for fulfillment, and that all human beings share this need to experience a life of meaning and purpose.” (Robbins-Madanes) Fulfillment can only be achieved when we focus our lives on the need to grow continuously, and the need to contribute beyond ourselves in a meaningful way.

My desire to grow continuously and to contribute beyond myself in a meaningful way is fueled by an inner ambition to do so.

Perhaps my colleague was right. I am ambitious.

That Four-letter "F" Word

Do you sometimes find yourself spewing that 4-letter "F" word?

No, not THAT one . . . I'm talking about that other 4-letter "F" word -- FEAR.

Fear is a distressing negative emotion brought on by a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism that triggers your 'fight or flight' response. Our fears, however, can often take on a life of their own and stop us dead in our tracks.

Rejection is an irrational fear that others will not accept us for who we are. Fear of rejection is one of those insidious, perceived threats that can hold you back, keep you from achieving your goals. Fear of rejection pervades our minds, often rendering us incapable of doing or saying anything for fear of others' rejection, lack of acceptance, or disapproval. Yes, there will be times in your life when you will face rejection. How will you handle rejection if it does happen?

To start, be prepared. Identify your limiting thoughts, such as...

    People dislike me
    I am a failure
    I am not worthy of their approval

. . . and then dismiss them one by one.

To do so effectively you need to build your self-esteem. And you build self-esteem by understanding your self-worth.   So make this list instead . . .

    People like me because...
    I have been successful in...
    I am worthy of others' approval because...

Work on your self-worth list everyday by adding just one good trait about you. Remember my equation:

Self-confidence + Self-worth = Self-esteem

Are You Feeling Challenged By Obstacles?

 Are you feeling challenged by obstacles? Are you clear as to what that "thing" is that is preventing or hindering your progress?

I view any obstacle that gets in my way as an opportunity to learn something new. It's not always an easy lesson. And sometimes the learning of the lesson takes time, patience, and reflection.

Changing the way we think about obstacles effects our success rate for as the Zen Buddhists say, "The obstacle is the path." To begin, we have to identify the type and source of the obstacle. Ask yourself: Do you view the obstacle metaphorically as a pebble, a rock, or a boulder? Is it external or internal?

External obstacles are those things outside of your control, such as environment, money, physical limitations. Yet, because they are external does not mean you should give up. What is always in your control is how you choose to respond (cognitively) not react (emotionally) to the challenge.

Internal obstacles are things such as fear, self-doubt, and what I call your Habitudes -- Patterns of thought and behavior affecting our attitudes towards life; habitual ways of thinking and acting that may or may not serve you.

Our beliefs and thoughts about a situation affect our reaction to it. The way we think about things can actually give things more meaning than they actually deserve. By giving meaning to things, we give them power in our lives. That's why I asked you to think metaphorically about the obstacle. What is its size? How easily, based on that size - pebble, rock, boulder -- can you remove it from your pathway?

"Obstacles don't have to stop you," said Michael Jordan. "If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it."

Looking Towards 2021

 

Who would have thought back in January, that the year 2020 would be fraught with so much angst, frustration and sorrow? So much loss. Some of you may recall that back in March I sent out a newsletter entitled Isn't it Ironic,looking at how this pandemic was happening in the year 2020 a number associated with vision. The Latin verb specere,which means to see, to look at, to observe, is the root of many words --speculate, perspective, introspection, to name a few.

I discussed the many ways in which the COVID-19 crisis has made many of us feel emotionally farsighted: things that are near to us, life as we know it, was now out of focus. And how this pandemic has also made us feel emotionally myopia: we cannot clearly see what our lives down the road will look like for we are living in the uncharted territory of unabated uncertainty. Even with the vaccine touching the horizon, life will not return to the normal we knew for quite some time as this virus continues to wends its way through the fabric of our lives.

Now the new year is upon us. What will this new year look like for you? What is your plan, your goal for 2021? A fresh start? A desire to make changes (personally and/or professionally) to live a more motivated and inspired life?

To plan for the new year it is important to look back at the past year and examine and make a list of what you've done and what you didn't do; what were your successes and what were your greatest challenges. Create a road map that details your 2020 journey. This map is vital to your success, to plotting the journey that lies ahead.

In creating your New Year goals, your "year in review roadmap" will show you the pattern of missteps and detours that derailed your 2020 goals, allowing you to challenge and change the greatest habits that do not serve you. For our lives are not determined by what happens to us, but by how we react to what happens. Not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we bring to life. A positive attitude causes a chain reaction of positive thoughts, events, and outcomes. It is a catalyst, a spark that creates extraordinary results.

We've been living the restricted COVID life for nine months already and, at times, it is tiring and sometimes we may feel we want to rip off that mask and go hug our friends. I know I have felt that way. But we must be vigilant. The vaccine is not a magic bullet and so precautions are still necessary.

Aristotle wrote: The hardest victory is victory over self. I do think this pandemic has given us an invaluable opportunity to learn and to grow. Rather than allowing this crisis to drain your resolve, embrace this as an opportunity to change course. Resilient people know how to tap into that reservoir of determination that allows them to rise up strong and resolute.

"Calmness of mind, James Allen wrote, is one of the beautiful jewels of wisdom. It is the result of long and patient effort in self-control." Recognizing the difference between what we can and cannot change will help us live more peaceful and productive lives. Patience and perseverance lead to success.

Wishing you all a blessed New Year and the courage, wisdom, and tenacity to get back up when circumstances knock you down, to reach your 2021 goals. ~ Rita

Isn't It Ironic?

I find it somewhat ironic that this pandemic is happening in the year 2020. Think about this: 2020 is associated with vision. The Latin verb specere, which means to see, to look at, to observe, is the root of many words. Take spectacles, for example. I wear eyeglasses to correct my myopia, my nearsightedness. Without glasses I cannot clearly see things that are distant. Spectacles give me 2020 vision.

Those who wear glasses only when reading have hyperopia, farsightedness, which causes things near to them to be out of focus. Spectacles give farsighted people 2020 vision.

In many ways this COVID-19 crisis has made us feel both emotionally farsighted: things that are near to us, life as we know it, is now out of focus, and emotionally myopia: we cannot clearly see what our lives down the road will look like for we are living in the uncharted territory of unabated uncertainty. 

The word speculate also finds its root in that Latin verb. And there is a lot of speculation going on right row.

• How long with our need to be physically distant from one another last?
• When will the curve flatten?
• When will we get back to work?
• Could there be a second coronavirus outbreak if we move too soon?

While the uncertainty we are living with can be overwhelming, we do have a set of tools at our disposal: the skills and attitudes of resilience, which help us get through the difficult times in our lives. 

Our capacity for resilience is hard-wired in our brain, like the fight or flight response. But unlike the fight or flight response, it is not automatic. Our resilience is influenced by our life experiences, by what I call Habitudes, those patterns of thought and behavior affecting our attitudes towards life, and which may or may not serve you. 

We have a strong Mind-Body Connection. Our thoughts influence our bodies directly. COVID-19 is forcing us to change our perspective. Life will not return to normal we knew for quite some time. Our lives will have a new normal and what that new normal will look like is uncertain. However, we can prepare for this by strengthening our resiliency. 

The first weapon in our resilience arsenal is resilient optimism. You're probably familiar with the glass half empty/glass half full way of determining someone's attitude: optimists see it as half full; pessimists see it as half empty. Resilient optimists, however, see it as both, because that is how life’s events are. Resilient optimists take those half empty moments and bring to them other factors of resilience to 'raise the water level' so to speak.

One way this is done is through the resilience skill of flexibility. Being flexible means embracing a willingness to learn and to grow. Being willing to face your fears; to control your attitude, no matter what is going on around you. For our lives are not determined by what happens to us, but by how we react to what happens; not by what life brings to us, but by the attitude we bring to life. 

Another factor is our connectedness to others. This is so critical at this time when we are asked to be physically distant from one another. We need connection. We need to be communicating with one another, which is another aspect of resiliency, whether through social media, FaceTime, Skype, or Zoom. Or how about that old method of communicating: the telephone. True connection is physical. Texting and typing are not enough. 

Another resilience factor is the capacity to manage strong emotions and impulses. Situations happen that are out of our control, like this pandemic. Emotions are a reaction to how we're perceiving our experience. Learning to respond to them, rather than to react, is key. The capacity to manage strong emotions involves being able to take action without being impulsive; to put emotions to the side when clear thinking and action are required.

While it's important to stay informed as to what is going on, it is also crucially important to do so wisely. Avail yourself to those who are presenting the facts without agenda, people such as Dr. Anthony Fauci and Robert Redfield, Director of CDC. These are the people who are telling us the truth of the matter, who are giving us the facts, who are trying to keep everything as stable as possible by making us aware that we must take specific actions in order to flatten that curve and keep the number of cases from spiking up. 

Another factor of resilience is being able to make realistic plans and take action to carry them out. Tackle what I call the "Iwishihads." You know, "I wish I had the time to _______)." Well, folks, now you have the time. Don’t try to rush through the list or you won’t get things done. We all are going to have a lot of time on our hands the next few weeks, and let’s be realistic, most likely even longer.

I want to mention one more factor: Being able to find purpose and meaning in one's life, which leads me to another derivative of that Latin verb, and that is introspection. What are you learning about yourself and your purpose in life? How has this moment in time changed you? Changed your outlook? Hindsight is 2020.

Lastly, there is one more word derived from the Latin verb specere. Respect. COVID-19 has raised our level of respect for doctors, nurses, first responders, and all the unsung heroes who make a hospital function – including custodians, food preparers, laundry services providers. We have gained respect and gratitude for all people who leave their homes each and every day to provide essential services -- from assembly line workers to grocery store clerks to zookeepers. (Yes, zookeepers. Animals need to be cared for too.)

To sum up here are some strategies for managing stress:

• listen to your body and remember to practice mindful breathing several times a day
• remember that your greatest weapon against stress is your ability to choose one thought over another
• acknowledge what you feel and don't deny your feelings
• accept what you feel and don't judge yourself

Strategies for building resilience:

• develop an attitude of optimism
• establish and maintain connections
• limit media coverage
• accept change as part of life
• engage in opportunities of self-discovery

Questions for reflection:
1. What steps will you take to manage your stress?
2. What is on your "Iwishihad" list? What 3 things from that list can you do now that time is more available to you?
3. What are some ways you can engage in opportunities of self-discovery?