About Apologies....Part Two

Several people commented on yesterday's blog entry via my Facebook page. I'd like to address one comment in particular. Ljo Aktiv wrote:

"What if there is supposed to be apologies from both parties and only one has given their apology? (Even if some people have said it is not a proper apology.) Isn't the other party who is being apologized to obligated to offer a counter apology for their part that started this whole explosive exchange of words? Just curious how this whole etiquette thing works in situations like this!"

Good question, Ljo. In The Last Lecture Pausch stated that if someone owes us an apology, we should not let that be the focus. Our focus, rather, should be on who we owe apologies to because of what we have done. He further explained that some people may not respond to our sincere apologies, but more often than not, most do later down the road. People need to be at that right emotional place.

Have a joyful day everyone. - Rita
Visit my website at http://www.ritaschiano.com

About Apologies...

There's been quite the brouhaha in my tiny town lately about what constitutes an apology, so I thought I'd share some insights I gleaned while reading Randy Pausch's book, The Last Lecture. (Video of lecture below.)

In the chapter "A Bad Apology is Worse Than No Apology” Pausch writes a “bad apology is worse than no apology” and that when we hurt each other – intentionally or unintentionally, it is like an infection in our relationship. So, no apology would be like letting the infection continue and the Real Apology would be like the antibiotic. The reason a bad apology is worse is because “it is like rubbing salt in the wound.” Examples:

• ‘I’m sorry you feel hurt by what I have done.’ This type, he states, indicates that you are not really wanting to put medicine on the wound)
• ‘I apologize for what I did, but you also need to apologize to me for what you’ve done.’ ( You really wanting an apology and not asking for one).

A proper apology, Pausch writes, has three steps:

1. What I did was wrong.
2. I feel badly that I hurt you.
3. How do I make you feel better? ( pg. 162, The last Lecture, by Randy Randy Pausch, 2008)

Pausch made me think of the halfhearted attempts I have made, where I have not been as sincere as I should have been with my apologies. Even more disconcerting is the thought that I may have offended someone without knowing it, for I know at times I can be brusque.

To be responsible and accountable for one's words and actions, to apologize well and to remember to do it when warranted is vital to maintaining strong, sincere, and healthy relationships.

Thank you, Randy, for this valuable life lesson.

Have a joyful day everyone. - Rita
Visit my website at http://www.ritaschiano.com

Randy Pausch was a professor of computer science and human-computer interaction and design at Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. In September 2006, Pausch learned that he had terminal pancreatic cancer. He gave an upbeat lecture entitled "The Last Lecture: Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams" on September 18, 2007 at Carnegie Mellon, which became a popular YouTube video and led to other media appearances. He then co-authored a book called The Last Lecture on the same theme, which became a New York Times bestseller. Pausch died of complications from pancreatic cancer on July 25, 2008.