Serenity Now

Most people upon hearing the words "serenity now!" recall the famous Seinfeld episode where Frank Costanza is advised to say "serenity now" aloud every time his blood pressure is in danger of going up. The episode's plot was inspired by real-life events of writer Steve Koren who, while driving with his arguing parents, was bewildered to hear his father shout "Serenity now" at the top of his lungs as part of a rage controlling exercise. 

"Calmness of mind" James Allen wrote, "is one of the beautiful jewels of wisdom. It is the result of long and patient effort in self-control." Like Frank Costanza screaming "serenity now," a churning mind eventually may lead one to blow. 

Often we become anxious about things we cannot change: the economy, the weather, our commute to work. Recognizing the difference between what we can and cannot change can help us live more peaceful and productive lives. Patience and perseverance leads to success in our endeavors.

The Serenity Prayer has special meaning to those who are often looking for peace during times of turmoil, despair, or uncertainty in their lives. Closely associated with Alcoholics Anonymous and other 12-step programs, the Serenity Prayer offers strength and calm into those seeking a more stable life. Written by theologian Reinhold Niebuhr, most people are familiar with this first stanza:

God grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

However, Niebuhr's prayer also included these concepts:

• Living one day at a time
• Enjoying one moment at a time
• Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace

Managing stress is a pathway to having serenity now. Meditation and mindful prayer help the mind and the body to relax and focus. As psychologist Ron Breazeale wrote in an article for Psychology Today entitled "WaysTo Manage Chronic Stress, "these techniques can give you "insight into new perspectives, to develop self-compassion and forgiveness and to begin to rethink the priorities in your life."

Here are a few ABCs to bring serenity into your life now:

Ask:  . . . yourself this question -- What is it about this situation that I can manage?

Breathe: Stop and take 10 mindful breaths. Nothing special is required to do so, just focus. Be aware of your breath coming in and then going out.

Connect:  . . . with a friend. Don’t e-mail or text. Pick up the phone and hear his or her voice. Better yet, plan some face time together. (That's Face time as in getting together, not Facebook time!)

Do: … absolutely nothing! Spend time with yourself, your thoughts, your dreams.

Exercise: Go for a walk, a bike ride, kayak down a peaceful.

Forgive: . . . yourself first, then others.

The Remarkable Power of Resilience

Often we talk about resilience  as that extraordinary capacity some people have for bouncing back in the face of adversity, trauma, or tragedy. And while research has shown that resilience is ordinary and not extraordinary, and that people commonly demonstrate the characteristics and factors that make for resilience, sometimes we do witness extraordinary examples of lives transformed through the power of resilience.

When I think about the remarkable power of resilience, two people come to mind immediately: Congresswoman Gabrielle "Gabby" Giffords and her husband, Commander Mark Kelly.  Giffords, as you may recall, was shot in the head by Jared Laughner in 2011. While doctors were cautiously optimistic about her recovery, Commander Kelly had little doubt his Gabby would recover. He knew his wife embodied "The Right Stuff," beginning with a firm attitude of optimism, and so he encouraged her doctors to develop a resilience plan as part of her recovery. 

A resilience plan has been shown to reduce the frequency and intensity of post-traumatic stress disorders and other health problems that occur after a personal disaster, allowing those affected to recover more quickly and completely.

During the couple's interview with Diane Sawyer, we were reminded how Gabby was once called, "the most positive person in Congress," quite a feat considering the craziness that occurs daily on Capitol Hill. Knowing that optimism was at the core of Gabby's being, and his belief that "Optimism is a form of healing; hope is a form of love," Kelly posted a sign outside her hospital room for visitors: No Crying.

Resilient optimism is not the rose-colored glasses view of the world. Resilient optimism recognizes that bad things happen. Yet, rather than wallowing in catastrophic thinking -- that tendency to assume the worst and to perseverate about irrational worst-case outcomes -- resilient optimists acknowledge and manage their strong feelings, looking for the valuable negative information that edifies the foundation of the learning experience 

Research on resilience has also shown us that people who struggle with their emotions, fear in particularly, may become more restrictive and rigid in their view of the themselves and their place in the world. To help Gabby hold on to that attitude of optimism and build her inner strength, the doctors advised that she be kept unaware of the full extent of the tragedy that occurred that day -- the lives lost, the people injured – until her road to recovery was more firmly established.

Studies in resilience, too, have repeatedly underscored the significance of social relationships, our connectedness to others. Visits from family and friends offered Gabby encouragement and confidence.

Another example of the remarkable power of resilience is Christopher Reeve. On May 27, 1995, actor Christopher Reeve was thrown headfirst from his horse during a jumping competition, shattering the first two vertebrae in his neck. Upon regaining consciousness and realizing he was totally paralyzed, Reeve thought that the best thing to do would be "to slip away."

Unable to speak because he had no ability to exhale air, he mouthed to his wife Dana, "Maybe we should let me go."

Dana responded, "I will support whatever you want to do, because this is your life, and your decision. But I want you to know that I'll be with you for the long haul, no matter what. You are still you. And I love you."  Her response is another example of the resilient power of our connected to others. Reeve wrote, "She made living seem possible, because I felt the depth of her love and commitment."

While catastrophic thinking -- ruminating about irrational worst-case outcomes -- is contrary to resilience, it is not uncommon for survivors of catastrophic accidents to think obsessively about what happened. Reeve said that for the first year he "wondered over and over about the accident. The jump was a relatively easy one. Why did his horse balk at this jump? Was it a freak accident? Did he move forward in the saddle before he should have?" However, as his resilient spirit grew stronger, he realized that endless speculation about what happened served no purpose other than to torment him.

So what can we learn from these three resilient spirits? I offer the following:

• Acknowledge that loss or illness is inevitable. By developing and nurturing a resilient spirit at the core of our being, little that can transpire that can affect us permanently.
• Know that connectedness to others is vital, and so we must cultivate relationships that create love and trust.
• Learn to communicate effectively your needs.
• Be flexible; accept that change is a part of living. 
• Develop goals and realistic plans and take steps to carry them out.
• Live an authentic life. Believe in what you do and do it with joy, gratitude, and grace.
• Find the positive in experiences and avoid seeing crises as insurmountable problems.
• Be spiritually connected, whether through an organized religion or by adopting a philosophy of life.

Christopher Reeve, in writing about his spiritual journey, said: "I have come to believe that spirituality is found in the way we live our daily lives. It means spending time thinking about others. It's not so hard to imagine that there is some kind of higher power. We don't have to know what form it takes or exactly where it exists; just to honor it and try to live by it is enough."

It's Not Your Life, It's His (or Hers)

Ann Landers had some good advice when it came to sticking our nose where it doesn't belong. She said simply this: "Make somebody happy today. Mind your own business."

Great advice, indeed! Yet, sometimes we just can't help ourselves. We witness an event, hear a news story about something someone said or did, and we think to ourselves (or more likely say to others), "I would never have done that!" or "That’s not how I would have responded."

The frustration or anger that can well inside us from situations that are not only out of our control, but have nothing to do with us, chips away at our peace of mind and releases stress hormones which, left unattended, can lead to health-related problems. As I've said before in previous blogs, managing stress begins with recognizing and understanding the habits that serve us and the habits that don’t serve us. Developing a plan for managing stress requires an understanding of and commitment to the change process, and then taking small steps to change those identified behaviors that keep us from living a flourishing life.

So, ask yourself…honestly…

• Do you find yourself frustrated, annoyed, or angered by the actions (or words) of others that have nothing to do with you?
• Do you take as a personal affront situations that have nothing to do with you?
• Do you sometimes meddle in what does not concern you?

Let's see how involved you are in other people's matters. True or false…

1. When I find myself eavesdropping on others’ conversations, I draw conclusions. T F

2. When I’m out to dinner, other diners’ misbehaving children irritate me. T F

3. While my spouse (partner, friend) is on the phone, I make comments in response to his or her conversation. T F

4. People who drive cautiously drive me nuts. T F

If you saw yourself in the above scenarios, perhaps it's time to make some changes. A good way to go about changing behavior that does not serve you is to examine your history, your actions, and your reactions.

Here are a few questions I have my students explore. Get yourself a journal or notebook. Take some quiet time and really reflect on these questions. Answer them honestly. This exercise is for you. Recognizing what motivates your behavior is the first step towards changing it.

1. Detail a scenario/situation that did not concern you, but did frustrate, anger, or annoy you.

2. How did the above scenario/situation make you feel?

3. Why do you think the scenario/situation affected you when it did not concern you?

4. Did the scenario/situation remind you of a personal event from your past? If so, what happened and how did you respond to it at the time?

It's Brutal Honesty Time

This is not the blog I intended to write today. My intention was to write an uplifting article about the remarkable power of resilience, but I had to finish another assignment first. This is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, and I had to write an article about dangerous websites that promote eating disorders.

As I was researching these websites I felt my insides literally churning. As I wrote about the need to instill in teens and adolescents messages of body confidence, hope and self-esteem, I came face-to-face with a brutal truth: I was disingenuous.

For years I've written, spoke, , trained about the importance of understanding one's self-worth. I even coined the phrase that self-worth is one element of the equation that makes for self-esteem: Self-confidence plus self-worth equals self-esteem. And let me tell you, I talk the talk about this pretty darned well. I encourage people to look at themselves in the mirror, to look straight into their eyes and tell themselves one good thing about themselves every day. I have them do this exercise to build a list of characteristics and traits that comprise their self-worth. And I encourage them to do this exercise with their children, too, because I do believe that if one is clear about one's self-worth, it is harder for one's self-confidence to be shaken. Or if one's self-confidence is shaken, rattled and rolled, you will be able to pick yourself up off the floor much quicker.

I also write, speak, teach, and train about the importance of exploring one's life story and getting to the truth of the habits that do not serve you. Our adult conception of the world comes from within and is self-directed. And so we need to look back at those early lessons, those habits we have developed, and determine if they serve us or if they do not serve us. And then we must ask ourselves: Is this the kind of person I want to be? I teach this because I do believe that it is in examining and understanding the larger context of our lives that we can live a more flourishing life.

So, why have I been disingenuous? Okay... Here it goes. (Read full article here)

Dangerous Web Sites Promoting Eating Disorders

Note: I wanted to share with you this blog I wrote for KidsTerrain for National eating Disorders Awareness Week. Eating disorders is a critical issue, so contrary to flourishing and well-being, and so dangerous and life-threatening. ~ Rita

(2/27/12 for KidsTerrain, Inc.)
First there was "thinspiration". . . and now we have "pro-ana" (pro-anorexia) and "pro-mia" (pro-bulimia)– websites dedicated to promoting the idea that eating disorders "are a good thing."

This month, the National Eating Disorders Association’s NEDAwareness Week, the largest eating disorders outreach effort in the country, is scheduled for February 26-March 3. The goal is to reach millions of people with messages of prevention, hope and recovery.

In support of NEDA’s efforts, KidsTerrain is offering web site visitors a free viewing of its webinar, Teaching Body Confidence, presented by Rebecca Manley, founder of the Multiservice Eating Disorders Association, Inc. (MEDA). The free viewing is available through March 15.

One goal of companies and organizations such as KidsTerrain and NEDA, respectively, is to counter-balance the insidious message of pro-ana groups and organizations who state they "do not promote anorexia and acknowledge that anorexia is a real medical disorder." The point of their existence is to give anorexics "a place to turn to discuss their illness in a non-judgmental environment." In fairness, some sites do thinly (no pun intended) promote recovery. However, others dispute the prevailing medical consensus that anorexia nervosa and bulimia are complex illnesses rather than "lifestyle choices."

According to the experts at Walden Behavioral Care, eating disorders have transitioned from a passing fad affecting college co-eds into a variety of life-threatening diseases that can affect anyone.

If someone you love seems to be losing weight rapidly, taking extreme measures to avoid eating, has radically changed their eating behavior, is exercising obsessively — all signs of eating disorder behavior–do something about it. Anorexia and bulimia are life-threatening diseases. Seek professional counseling immediately.

How Taking One Small Step Can Change Your Life

Can taking one, small step really change your life? Proponents of kaizen think so. (And for the record, so do I.) Kaizen is a means of making great and lasting change through small, steady increments. Kaizen's practical roots are based in the Japanese management concept for incremental (gradual, continuous) change (improvement): breaking tasks into small, manageable steps.

However, kaizen is also a way of life philosophy based on making little changes on a regular basis; it's about finding new, creative, and effective ways to improve one's life... from tackling the mundane to managing our stress to attaining our life vision.

Case in point ... (Read more)

Beware Those Stinkin' Thinkin' Traps

So, you've set your sight on getting in better shape this year. Losing weight and working out are at the top of your New Year's resolutions list. And you are determined to follow through this year.

But as you pop the Jane Fonda "Prime Time -- Fit & Strong" disk into the DVD player, you catch sight of the candy dish boasting a dilapidated pyramid of gold Ferrero Rocher candies. You grab the remote, put Jane on pause, and sidle up to the coffee table to re-stack those gold-wrapped delights into a perfect pyramid. Then, in an instant, you feel yourself beginning to waver.

"Oh, what's one little Ferrero Rocher? It would be a shame to throw these out. After all, I only buy them during the holiday season."

The next thing you know, you've popped not just one, but two, three, then four of those tasty chocolate and hazelnut, melt-in-your-mouth balls into your mouth. You quickly roll the gold and brown wrappers into a tight little wad and thrust it into the pocket of your new activewear.

And then it happens... one of those Stinkin' Thinkin' Traps, known as "all or none" thinking takes over, (Read More)